Rachel Graham

Living in the 21^st century we are used to the many prescription medications that have afforded us drugs for among many things like maintenance and a cure. Without prescription medications, many people would be dying from the disease. Other prescription drugs make a smaller impact by alleviating daily ailments like the flu or a cough.

There are many benefits of prescription drugs, but they also have a dark side, which aids in societies suffering. Our society suffers from a serious misuse and dependency on prescription drugs.

What are the benefits and drawbacks of prescription drugs?

The benefits? Prescription drugs are used to stimulate and mimic a well-functioning body, and as a result, many people live a higher quality of life and without them, the risk might be as lethal as death. Prescription drugs provide solutions for life-threatening conditions like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and some types of cancer.

Not all drugs are used to treat serious illnesses. Some treat small ailments from time to time with remarkable success. Antibiotics for infections, flu medication, and prescription cough medicine are used only while the patient is sick. Some prescription drugs cure the ailment; some make it easier to live with so that the patient can endure the sickness. Prescription drugs make life easier when dealing with a short-term illness.

The drawbacks? Some people use prescription medications that are intended for others, for longer than intended, which is unsafe and ill-advised. Narcotic drugs prescribed for pain and insomnia are especially addictive. Dosages, length of time on the drug, and the type of drug are all contributors to whether someone becomes addicted or not. 

Prescription drugs are subject to misuse. Once the prescription has been written and filled, it’s out of the doctor’s hands. Teens and adults take prescription drugs that were not intended for them in an effort to feel some of the side effects. Having these drugs in the home means easy access for pill-sharing among friends. This can cause severe injury and even death from misuse or overdose.

There is a time and a place for prescription drugs. When taken properly, they can enhance the quality of life and make ailments easier to deal with. Misusing prescription drugs, however, is a severe problem in our society. The is an accepted general attitude that if a doctor prescribes the medication, it must be safe for anyone to ingest it. Prescription drug usage should be carefully monitored by health care providers, and when in the home should be secured without easy access.

If you or your loved one has or has had an issue with the misuse of prescription drugs, you are not alone. Many times, individuals who struggle with addiction lose sight of the importance of their life;  rediscovering you’re meaning and purpose in life is essential for your adventure back into the world of a healthy lifestyle. Contact Rachel Graham to hear her story and how she turned her tragedy into triumph. 

Emotional Incest: Learn about it, how to recognize the signs of this abuse in yourself or others, and steps to take to heal from it.

Though not sexual, emotional incest is as harmful and leaves just as many long-lasting, detrimental effects on the abused. Emotional incest occurs when unhealthy emotional interactions cause inappropriate and blurred boundaries between an adult and child in a psychologically inappropriate way. When a parent looks to their child for emotional support or treats them more like a partner than a child, it’s considered emotional or “covert” incest. 

Emotional incest creates a huge burden for a child, often making them feel guilty for leaving the parent to do things that normal kids do, like engaging in extracurricular school activities. A child suffering from emotional incest isn’t able to form happy or healthy relationships; they are too used to the emotional manipulation of being made to feel responsible for fixing the upset or sadness of the parent. 

How to recognize whether you’ve suffered from emotional incest

• Does your parent share inappropriate feelings and experiences with you?
• Are you able to have friends and do activities outside the home and away from your parent or are you made to feel guilty for wanting to be with and do things with your friends?
• Do you feel responsible for your parent’s emotional well-being? Are you a ‘fix it’ person, putting more emphasis on what others need than your own? 
• Do you feel odd or uncomfortable around your parent? Does what they do or say ‘creep’ you out and make you feel uncomfortable?

Common reactions to emotional incest are troubles with maintaining appropriate boundaries, eating disorders, self-harm, relationship dissatisfaction, sexual intimacy issues, and substance use disorders. A child who grew up in an emotionally incestuous environment may have left their childhood home, but all those original issues of dysfunction don’t just magically cease to exist. Most negative effects don’t begin to manifest until adulthood. Examples of emotional incest might include:

• Sharing adult experiences and asking children for advice. Anything from marriage issues, sexual feelings, and worries about adult problems are all topics that should be discussed with adults, not children. Inviting children into the problems of adult relationships blurs normal parent/child boundaries. 
• Egomania. When parents require constant praise for their efforts and personality. Whether in private or in public, the child’s adoration of the incestuous parent can take over, forcing the child’s needs to take a backseat to the parent’s esteem or narcissism.
• Best friends. Boundaries are blurred when a parent and child are ‘best friends. When a child is used as their parents’ confidante, discipline, expectations, and personal responsibility are all impacted. A child is not capable or emotionally able to handle adult situations, which negatively impacts their social and psychological development and wellbeing.

Emotional incest occurs most often when a parent is lonely, newly divorced, or with new unfamiliar responsibilities and roles. Emotional incest is a difficult concept to articulate, and it often goes unreported. When a parent becomes a best friend, it may seem like the complete opposite of emotional dysfunction and the child might even enjoy some aspects of that ‘special’ relationship. Although the child likely knows they are being treated differently, the feeling of maturity can be exhilarating. Children can also have a sense of feeling helpful and even feel powerful since they are the ones guiding their parents along an adult journey. For all of these reasons, it is difficult for a child to ask for support.

Maybe it’s not you who has suffered from emotional incest but someone you are in a relationship with. Below are five obvious signs that can help you identify whether you are dating a victim of emotional incest.

1. You feel like you don’t know exactly who they are, something is missing, there is inauthenticity, not being vulnerable, not putting all the cards on the table.
2. Chameleons in aspects of their life, with no firm boundaries, couldn’t be who they truly were, changing themselves depending on the ever-changing 
3. Enmeshment with the offending parent
4. Significant other feels responsible for perpetrating parent feelings, has to fix it and make it all better. Had to focus on the needs of the parent of the child to survive
5. Not able to set healthy boundaries with the perpetrating parent

Whether you have personally experienced emotional abuse or can see the signs in others, below are behaviors to heal from emotional incest

• Create and communicate boundaries around things that make you feel uncomfortable
• Get outside support independently of your emotionally incestuous parent- to remind you every day that you are not alone
• See a therapist or join a support group to process any unresolved issues
• If you still live with the incestuous parent, get out by saving your money so you can remove yourself from the situation
• Understand that it is painful and hard, but healing will be worth it
• Be aware that you were trained to be a people pleaser, focusing on other people’s needs as more important than your own
• You probably have a desire to be invisible. You were trained from an early age to understand that no one wanted your opinion, you were better off blending in, and not standing out. You don’t know who you are, and you may freeze and freak out when forced into the spotlight.
• You don’t like advocating for yourself, you much prefer others to take the lead. 
• You don’t know when to stand up for yourself or create appropriate boundaries because you don’t know what is normal. You’ve likely lost your voice in terms of standing up for yourself 
• You have difficulties in relationships. You most likely don’t understand what an honest, open, and vulnerable relationship looks like 
• You’ve been placed in a little boy or girl role your entire life so you likely can’t relate to your own self
• You may have a tough time being authentic, intimate, or vulnerable, instead, you present the version of yourself that is expected 
• You are a people pleaser, so you probably have a challenging time saying no, instead you are more likely to go with the flow and not be disagreeable
• You feel like you have no power in your life
• You are judgmental of others because you and your incestuous parent judged you so harshly.
• You have an unrealistic view of what normal ‘family life’ is all about  
• You may feel anger or rage toward the inappropriate, emotionally incestuous parent
• You likely can’t remember childhood as you survived through disassociation, numbness, blocked, and repressed feelings
• You will likely have to learn how to regain your voice and stand up for yourself

If your journey has included emotional abuse, you are not alone. There is support for you out there. Contact Rachel Graham to hear how your journey can lead you to your life’s purpose, there can be positive life transformation born from something negative.  

Narcissists and narcissism, words are thrown around without much thought, a blanket label for inappropriate behavior.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a cluster B personality disorder in the DSM-5 and is defined as having a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, the constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy and must meet 5 of these nine criteria.

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions
4. A need for excessive admiration
5. A sense of entitlement
6. Interpersonally exploitive behavior
7. A lack of empathy
8. Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him/her
9. A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

For a narcissist, there might be problems occurring in these two or more areas:

• Identity
• Self-acceptance
• Empathy
• Intimacy

Narcissistic behavior can be overt or covert.  An overt narcissist has behaviors that are easily recognized by others.  Covert Narcissistic behaviors are more subtle and often less obvious.  A covert narcissist may present as self-effacing or withdrawn and it’s thought to be caused by genetics, childhood traumatic abuse or events, emotional unavailability of caregivers, and personality and temperament. 

What are some signs used to identify a covert narcissist?

Passive self-importance— a covert narcissist craves admiration and might give back-handed compliments, or minimize their accomplishments or talents to encourage caring people to reassure and praise them.

Blame and shame— Covert narcissists employ a gentler approach to explain why things are your fault and why they are not to blame.  They may play the victim or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise.

Confusion— Covert narcissists take pleasure in creating confusion, gaslighting, creating doubt, and causing their victims to second guess themselves.

Procrastination and disregard—Covert narcissists will do whatever is needed to keep the focus and attention on themselves and they tend to target caring and compassionate people who are easily manipulated.  The covert narcissist wants you to feel like your time and interests are not as important as their own, making you feel small and unimportant.

Giving with strings attached— a covert narcissist might look like they are compassionate and giving but their behavior is motivated by what they want in return.

The emotionally neglectful—The covert narcissist is incapable of developing and nurturing emotional bonds.  Although a covert narcissist looks emotionally accessible, their behavior tends to be performative, with an intent to exploit the person, leaving them feeling small and disregarded through blame and shame.

If you have a covert narcissist in your life, there are some things you can do to protect yourself against their emotional abuse:

• Avoid taking anything the covert narcissist does or says personally.  Understand their behavior is meant to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, with little to no regard for how it may impact you. They need a “narcissistic supply” from those around them to feel validated.
• Set boundaries that communicate your values so the covert narcissist cannot exploit and manipulate you as a means to an end for their goals. This can often mean having zero contact.
• Advocate for yourself- When dealing with a narcissist, it is easy to lose your voice.  Tune in to yourself, your goals, and your talents as a way to strengthen your relationship with yourself.
• Create a healthy distance from enmeshment- The goal of creating space is not to hurt the covert narcissist but to protect yourself from harmful interactions.

How being raised by a covert narcissist may lead to a lifetime of abuse:

• It is a societal belief that parents want what’s best for their children. The covert narcissist relies on this cultural assumption as a way of hiding abuse and neglect, gaslighting their children by stressing their ‘loving’ parent persona.
• The covert narcissist works hard to cultivate a caring, principled, devoted, and self-sacrificing image, using their children as a scapegoat for all that is negative.
• The covert narcissist is prone to hostile attacks camouflaged by a slip of the tongue, sarcasm, or false concern which for a child can feel like death by a thousand cuts.
• The covert narcissist always plays the victim, so they don’t have to take responsibility, instead of receiving sympathy for the ways they are neglected, disappointed, or harmed by others.
• Plausible deniability is used by the covert narcissist as a direct form of manipulation such as dismissal, gaslighting, minimizing, and triangulation.
• Covert narcissists make themselves look good by comparison to others, appearing more reasonable, selfless, and easygoing often by playing up the long-suffering martyr routine.
• Covert narcissistic parents exert ongoing control by offering the child the validation, attention, praise, and gifts they crave, creating a confusing I love you/I hate you dynamic.

Groomed from infancy to accept the unacceptable and cruel behavior, children often blame themselves for the failure in their parental relationships. When we finally understand that we don’t have to ‘win’ a parent’s love, we realize that we have lived our entire lives without that love, surviving solely through our own resiliency.  It is not that we are unlovable, instead, our parent’s profound impairment may come from their own unresolved trauma. Narcissism is hard to treat clinically because by definition the narcissist does not see a reason to change. Narcissists are incapable of having deeply authentic, intimate, vulnerable, and healthy relationships. If you are expecting these things from the narcissists it is similar to asking them to speak Greek to you when they have never been exposed to or understood the Greek language. You will be consistently disappointed expecting them to have a skill they do not.

Healing from the covert narcissistic abuse takes learning to trust ourselves after years of gaslighting.  For recovery, we must distance or in some cases eliminate the relationship to gain our own trust and disavow the pervasive self-doubt and blame we were brainwashed with as children.  For more information on mental health topics visit Evolve and Transform, where Rachel Graham shares her own experiences and invites others to do so as well.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes in his 2014 book “The Body Keeps the Score”, he explains how trauma is relived in the body long after the traumatic event is experienced. His research shows how these bodily symptoms show up in the way a person sits or breaths, the way they hold themselves, their sleep patterns, and their overall digestion. 

In his work “The body keeps the score,” van der Kolk focuses on traumatic stress as the root of neuroscience. Traumatic stress changes the functional, chemical, and emotional function of the brain, specifically the limbic area and brain stem. The hyperactive status of the amygdala triggers the release of stress hormones and hinders the hippocampus function, causing traumatic memories to remain vivid. When the prefrontal lob function is deactivated due to stress, there is a decline in the ability to balance the stress hormone, which causes panic, agitation, and hypervigilant responses. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains, “If a child grows up having to deal with the rage of their parents, they will learn to stifle their own anger and desire to retaliate against those that have hurt them. While for survival, they get good at monitoring the moods of others, they also become very still and quiet so as not to open themselves up to the anger or retaliation of their parents. How might trauma show up in the bodies of these children? Traumatized people tend to have bodies that are hyper-alert, responding to breath and touch by flinching and bristling at contact, they might also shut down and become numb.

What happens to the physiology of the brain when trauma is experienced?

Have you heard the term fight or flight? As humans, we are equipped with automatic responses that help us survive. When a person feels stressed or experiences a traumatic event, the body discharges chemicals called cortisol and adrenaline to help the body have what it needs to either fight or flee. This is the body’s automatic reaction to stress and trauma, and it is beyond our control.

Changes the body may go through when stress and trauma are present:

1. Feeling dead inside or lacking interest in things you once loved.
2. Feeling the need to fight against the perpetrators of the traumatic event.
3. Fleeing from the situation that causes stress or the traumatic event.

Dr. van der kolk goes on to say that bodily and brain changes from emotional and physical trauma can be present long after the event(s) and can influence one’s psyche and body, including thoughts, and feelings. 

Common symptoms of trauma might include:

• Flashbacks of the traumatic event where the body doesn’t recognize the time-space continuum and behaves as though the event is happening now
• Unexplained feelings of anxiety or feelings of dread.
• Splitting where your brain and body separate as a psychological mechanism to tolerate difficult and overwhelming situations. This makes it easier to manage the emotions that they are feeling, which on the surface seem to be contradictory.
• Disassociation is the way your brain manages overwhelming pressure
• Hyperarousal shows up with feeling restless, nervous, and the inability to relax
• Insomnia is often a symptom of trauma where a person may feel that the unconscious state of sleep is unsafe 

The immune system is sensitive to stress with the stress hormone, cortisol. Cortisol has the most influence over your immune system and its general purpose is to balance the immune function. When stress is severe or prolonged, the cortisol control over the immune system can be permanently impaired, which leads to increased inflammation. Inflammation is linked to a range of diseases and disorders, including autoimmune disease, heart disease, and diabetes.

When stress is pervasive, prolonged, and extreme, the body reacts by resisting the production or effects of cortisol which causes inflammation. Increased inflammation, changes in gut microflora, and a genetic predisposition can lead to autoimmune diseases. 

Below are a few autoimmune diseases that have been directly related to stress and trauma:

• Type 1 diabetes affects the pancreas and insulin which can damage blood vessels and organs like the heart, kidney, eyes, and nerves.
• Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is when the immune system attacks the joints.
• Psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis when skin cells develop too quickly, creating inflamed and itchy red patches
• Multiple sclerosis
• Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE)
• Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD)- Chron’s disease and Ulcerative colitis
• Addison’s disease affects the adrenal glands with symptoms of weakness, fatigue, weight loss, and low blood sugar.
• Graves or Hashimoto’s disease both attacks the thyroid and can cause symptoms of bulging eyes and weight gain, sensitivity to cold, fatigue, and hair loss, respectively.
• Lichen Planopilaris (LPP) a rising autoimmune disorder that affects the hair follicles causing permanent hair loss.

Understanding the correlation between trauma and its effect on the body paves the way for new treatments for emotional unwellness. Rachel Graham shares her trauma story and its relationship with an autoimmune disease to normalize the mental health discussion. Contact her today.

Lying can be hereditary, Pseudopodia fantastica is an extreme form of lying that has a strong genetic component. Pathological lying can also be a symptom of mental illness. Regardless of the reason, people can become so used to lying, there doesn’t need to be a reason. When lies are so blatant, it makes one wonder why the unnecessary deception. Trying to make sense of the senseless, it takes looking at the lies through the liars’ eyes.

Obviously, the lie means something to the liar, even when it seems so senseless. People may lie because the lie is crucially important to them, even though it may seem inconsequential to others. Be curious to understand the importance of what they are saying with questions like, why is this so important to you?

Some may feel that telling the truth is in a sense, giving up control. By creating their own reality through lies, they feel more in control of situations where the truth might not fit with their own narrative.

People who lie often feel as though they need to lie to feel respected, liked, and valued and they are worried that the truth might lead to rejection or shame.

Lies are not a one-and-done thing. One lie most often leads to more to support and cover up the initial lie. It is almost impossible to admit to a lie, doing so would create the fall of the house of cards and result in future distrust.

There is always the possibility that the lie doesn’t feel like a lie to the teller. Sometimes, there is such ‘buy in’ to the story we tell ourselves that it becomes our truth and not a lie.

Alternate facts are a real part of today’s environment making it increasingly difficult to decipher the truth from the desire of what we want the truth to be.

By default, humans are honest and tell the truth most of the time. To function effectively in the world, we need to be able to rely on the honesty of others.

Now that we understand why people lie, we can ask the question of whether lying has anything to do with a person’s integrity. Though the word integrity is talked about liberally, do we really understand the meaning? Integrity means doing the right thing even when no one is looking. How does integrity show up in our daily lives? Examples of integrity are:

• Returning money that does not belong to us, either money that you found laying on the ground or returning the incorrect change given to you after a purchase.
• Admitting and taking responsibility when your behavior has not been on par with your best self.
• Giving credit to a team member at work, in life, or on the field instead of focusing on your own contributions.
• Focusing on finding solutions to challenges instead of pointing fingers or finding fault and blame in someone.
• Respecting and honoring others time
• Living from the place of good intentions when things are unclear instead of judging others by filling in the blanks with our narrative
• Being of service to others

Integrity is a behavior-based virtue, meaning we are not born with or without it. Living in integrity takes a decision to do the right thing and is practiced in everyday life. Rachel Graham talks about finding your life purpose through exploration of what matters and includes living in integrity.

Follow and learn more about Rachel’s personal journey; how lies have shown up for her in her life and how she has chosen to live with integrity.

“Unity is the highest value.  From it, everything comes and to it everything returns.”- David Wared, healer and philosopher

All living beings are born into unity – animals, plants, and earth originate in unity.  There are innumerable facets for multiplicity and diversity while remaining united.  When we are united, we are all one.

In today’s environment, humans seem to have forgotten the essence of unity, thinking it absurd.  We as a society these days, feel the lack of deep and loving connections. In contrast, we feel more separated, where differences are stressed, and we fight to be better and more important than our fellow man.  This competition reinforces our experience of human separation and lack of unity.

You might have asked yourself, is this what my life is all about?  Often this inner searching is the beginning of your own personal journey.  This soul-searching journey may be spurred by your longing to feel connected.  It is within this search that you might recognize your desire for interconnectedness and belonging.  You may feel a desire to rebirth the feeling to be a part of the whole, that there is something bigger than yourself.

The journey brings your unconscious to consciousness within you and you feel complete and whole. No longer a fragmented piece of the whole.  This is the foundation of non-duality. Deep joy, bliss, gratitude and humility, clarity, creativity, and strength will unfold within you as you recognize we are interconnected and part of a greater whole.

Feeling united and connected starts from within, start now by following these steps to feel more connected to your inner self.

• Notice your mind body connection. We often feel our feelings before we undersand them. Think about time you were anxious and it took you a minute to figure out why. The way to get there is to be still, be present, be honest with yourself and be willing to make changes.
• Take the time to put your feelings into words.  By vocalizing your feelings, you are aware enough to describe them and in doing so, you are honoring your feelings instead of ignoring them.
• Take the time to get to know yourself by spending quality time with yourself.  These days, we tend to put ourselves on the back burner without really connecting to our inner needs and feelings. We live with constant distractions.
• Be mindful of practicing unapologetic compassion for yourself.  Connecting to yourself is a daily practice that includes focusing on your feelings, letting go of all judgment, and being kind.

As you focus on connecting with yourself on a daily basis, you may feel yourself becoming more united to the ‘greater whole’.  Follow Rachel Graham as she shares her journey of self-discovery, connectedness, and unity.

Personal empowerment is all about taking control of what you want for your life.  Empowerment closely relates to self-esteem and self-confidence and is manifested when your intention is transformed into an action. Ultimately it means believing in yourself and permitting yourself to succeed.

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” —Steve Maraboli

To achieve self-empowerment, you must first know yourself. Developing self-awareness so you can take charge of your emotions and actions. Your locus of control, where you believe that you have control of your own destiny and know how external forces affect your outcomes. Understanding what you have control over and how outside influences affect you, helps to enable your sense of responsibility for your own positive mindset.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

Identifying aspects of your life where you are unhappy or out of control offers areas for which you can create empowerment goals.  The first step is to focus on the areas that mean the most to you, create smart goals with action plans of attainable milestones as a pathway to achieve them.  Your personal empowerment increases when positive benchmarks towards those goals are met.

Achieve personal empowerment by focusing on what you can control in your life; your hope, attitude, drive, willingness to learn and grow, and your commitment to growth and empowered mindset.

• Hope— you alone have the power to find what is possible for yourself.  The more you are open to all possibilities, the more creative you become, and your world opens up for you to create and succeed.
• Attitude— things will happen that are out of your control, that’s life. The trick is aligning your authentic self with how you handle what life throws your way.  Remaining true to your values and what you stand for in response to adversity increases your personal empowerment.
• Drive—stay focused on your own goals without comparing or becoming distracted by what others are doing. Your actions follow your thoughts so trust yourself to know that you have what it takes to achieve your goals.
• Learn and grow— remain curious about life and actively look for ways to learn and grow.  With a pro-active, dynamic, and engaged attitude, you will experience more success than those that don’t.  Science shows that continual learning strengthens your brain, which like muscles, your brain has the same ‘use it or lose it’ principles.
• Mindset— having a growth mindset can be the one biggest thing that sets you up for success.  It means that you believe you have ability to influent the outcome with your actions.  A growth mindset increases resiliency, your belief in yourself, and your knowledge that you are a force for positive change.

Rachel Graham founded Evolve and Transform to encourage you to discover your personal meaning and purpose, achieving an ultimate level of personal empowerment. Contact Rachel today to learn how she helps others find a healthy, balanced lifestyle where success and optimal performance follow in everything you do.